I have no great epiphany to share, nothing profound to share or no great wisdom to impart that is any wiser from any other woman my age who has lived a little- 39 in case you're wondering, soon to be 40. I have my quirks, one of them is picking songs in the morning to inspire not only my day, but sometimes my kids as well. I have discovered to my delight and bafflement that they really have taken it in and soaked it up. My son (13) is way more into Public Enemy and A Tribe Called Quest than any modern "artist". We like to call him Little Malcolm now cause - yeah- it REALLY rubs off. I drive them to school, the trip takes about an hour and a half. Long way to go we have our reasons and it is working well thus far for them. They are testing this week, so seeing as how they go to a Christian school, I decided gospel to encourage and inspire and pray as they head off for yearly testing that will go on permanent records for people with no clue as to their real potential can judge them. Sucks, but such is life. As usual they were asleep before thirty minutes had passed, but I kept it going, just in case, One never knows what we soak up in our sleep. I know the first chapter of James got me through boot camp so it couldn't hurt.
That's when it came on. A song I forgotten was on the mixed CD I had made. The tears came as I listened, undisturbed by the kids, by traffic, by anything, and for just a moment it was all laid bare. My pain, my joy, my triumphs, my failures. As Cece sang "You weren't there the night He found me.
You did not feel what I felt when he wrapped his love all around me and you don't know the cost of the oil in my alabaster box", all of the things I had buried and hidden deep in the darkest corners of my past came tumbling out. I felt the price of every wrinkle, every gray hair I have thus managed to hide reasonably well, all the wrong turns, the bumps in the road, and most of all the burdens I took on that I didn't have to was right there.
I know the costs, and I have paid them. In some ways I will keep paying them for a while. But you know what? It has brought me to the here and now. I'm not the frightened little girl with stars in her eyes I once was. I'm not the person who lost herself so busy trying to be the perfect wife and mother. I met myself again on the road today. Nothing has changed, no great insight has come to me. I just accepted me and the price I have paid to find the me I lost for a moment. There is no Prince coming to save me, but I don't need one. God has given me all the tools I need to save me. No earth shattering miracle may happen between now and my final rest, but I have had miracles along the way. I may not be where I could've been, but I learned what I needed to learn, and I am learning still. More than anything though I realize the costs of the oil in my alabaster box.